15 Creative Ways To Make Love Last
Making love last is a beautiful ideal, and a worthwhile goal. But it’s easier said than done. Especially as we change and grow, as our partners evolve, and as our life situations shift.
Try some of these techniques if you really want to see a positive change in your partner's attention and enthusiasm towards you and your relationship.
1. Use Touch. Especially in the areas where there are a plethora of nerve endings, such as the ears, neck, nose, forehead, fingertips, feet. It’s pretty difficult to stay angry when you are being massaged or simply touching. The feel of our loved one’s touch is probably the most soothing remedy to any discourse because it releases serotonin in our brains and floods us with “feel good” hormones. That’s why massages are seen as “luxurious necessities”. If you are working on intimacy, include little massages throughout your day or week. An ear lobe rub, shoulders, neck, forehead are all good non-sexual places that say “I am interested in you, how you feel and keeping us connected”.
2. Look into his/her eyes. Shakespeare wrote “The eyes are the windows to the soul”. When you speak to clients, sales people, neighbors…you are most likely looking in their eyes. But when it comes to our lover, we get used to a routine or multitasking and sometimes stop facing them with our interest. Put down whatever you are doing, and communicate. If you are busy doing anything else during a conversation, you are saying, “You are NOT important to me.” Children learn this from their parents at a very early age when they find themselves talking to their parents’ backs. Then, when they become teenagers, their parents complain that they don’t tell them anything. I am not surprised, since we showed them that we weren’t that interested or we had more important things to do then listen to them. If you want to see your lover’s soul and they yours….look in their eyes, as deep as you can go.
3. Listen and repeat what you heard. You may not have really heard what was said, but more of what you were thinking they were saying. We always seem to have voices going on in our heads saying many different things, all giving us permission to not pay attention. “Oh, here we go again,” “I’ve heard this one before,” “This isn’t as important as what I have to do right now,’” “He/she is taking too long to get to the point,”…the list is endless. We often finish their sentences for them just so we don’t have to listen too long. So stop multitasking when your loved one is speaking to you. You can only do 1 thing well at a time. Quite the voices and take slow steady breaths. Try to make as much eye contact as possible when you listen and listen past the fear of anger. As long as you can repeat what your beloved is saying to you as he/she sees it, you are ¾ of the way done with argument that could possibly ensue. In fact, you are more likely to feel closer if you are truly listening.
4. Learn how to speak the others' Love Language. Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a number of books on Love Languages for men, women and children. We all have certain ideas of what is important to us and how others let us know that. We measure how much someone loves us by the ways they show us. It’s pretty easy to figure it out. Just watch your loved one to see how they try to please you. Do they fill your car up with gas or do your laundry? Chances are they are creating Acts of Service because they want to please you. How about shower you with gifts? Want to spend time with you? Complain that you don’t touch them enough or enjoy touching you? These and more are the Languages of Love.
5. Close up the space between you and fall asleep. Remember when you couldn’t wait to sleep together? If you are sitting on separate chairs in the evening or worse, in separate rooms, pick yourself up and go find your love. Then watch a movie together, play cards, or read a book out loud to each other. My grandparents were still laughing over card games and holding hands in their 90’s. And by all means, sleep like you first fell in love…when you held each other close and were thankful and excited to see their face when you awoke.
6. Take a day and do nothing with your partner. (Or do something.) Once we are married, it often seems that couples will “get to each other” when there is time, rather than make time. Going to the gym, doing extra work at our jobs or keeping up with the family calendars are all good reasons to put our marriages on hold BUT without a promise to get back to spending time together with no interruptions is not healthy. We forget that our marriages need tending, just like our gardens. If we don’t make a conscious effort to do things together….we won’t. We create how we spend our time…do it consciously!
7. Get the resources (book, course) to help you spark creative ideas. Everybody is not creative. Actually for some of us it is a terrible chore. Thank God for Amazon and Barnes and Noble. There are so many resources for today’s uncreative lover, that there is no excuse for doing nothing. In fact, chances are, if you ask your loved one what they fantasize about doing, you might get some great answers. You won’t have had to think hard, and you will be pleasing them as well.
8. Pick lovemaking dates or use spontaneity. Some of us just simply fall into a routine. And unfortunately, often out of love. Lovemaking can become a chore, boring, hard work or none existent. Couples who struggle with difficulty finding the time to make love need to have a love making date, at least once a week. Take turns being the pleaser, not just the one being pleased. Or if you have tried this before, try some playful spontaneity to bring the fun and excitement back into your bedroom (or anywhere in your house). But it doesn’t have to be about sex. I knew of a couple whose husband drove across country all night to be near his wife in the morning because she was having a particularly bad day.
9. Teach your partner how to love you. Most of us keep these ideas in our heads. We fantasies about the perfect date, anniversaries, proposals, dinners, after sex fight, but we don’t verbalize them because we think we will sound silly, selfish or we will simply be rejected. Unfortunately, we might tell everyone on face book and twitter, but we kept our spouse in the dark. Taking the chance by expressing what you like and don’t like goes a long way and is healthier than complaining or feeling dejected and unloved because you didn’t let them into your head.
10. Appreciation, affirmations and gratitude’s. If you do nothing else, keep this tool in your tool box at all times. Nothing…I mean nothing, is more satisfying then to hear you are appreciated or Noticed for your contribution to the marriage and my life. If you are not good at noticing things your spouse has done for you, stop everything you are doing and imagine life without them. What does it look like? Say what you are thinking with your best intention but just don’t seem to get around to it because our tired, stressed or blind.
11. Don’t threaten…especially with the “D” word. If you feel as if you are ready to throw in the towel, you have gone too far already. Take your time, create your space and find somewhere to breathe and let go. Then, when you are ready to come back to the table, you will have your emotions at bay, and be ready to discuss with a more open mind.
12. Create space and allow for silence. Most people, when anxious, chatter. Silence is sacred, so is space. I remember the old calgon commercials whose slogan read…”Calgon, take me away”. And that was in the 60’s when stress was most in the house. I had a friend whose fight with her daughter or husband resulted in her kicking the doors in every time they retreated to their rooms to get away from the tension. If you are the type of individual who believe you must always talk about everything until resolution, stop. When we are triggered by our emotions, we can no longer think clearly and we say silly things that would best be left unsaid. Push the STOP button and go to your corners with the promise of coming back to the issue. Creating space allows us to come back to the conversation more openly and considerate to the others feelings.
13. Forgive….and ask for forgiveness. It is hard to admit that we are wrong but it is crucial when we realize that we made a mistake or hurt someone’s feelings. Often our mistakes are unconscious or unintentional. That doesn’t matter if your partner is hurting. Ask to be forgiven anyway. And while you are at it, be generous with your own forgiveness. Don’t hold onto the anger simply because it makes you feel more powerful and want someone to suffer. That only adds to feelings of doubt and mistrust. Besides, too much anger is bad for your health …and causes wrinkles!
14. Balance “heart and head” issues – romantic, emotional, physical, spiritual, financial, practical. They’re all important. Set goals – as individuals and together. It has become pretty popular to hire a Business coach to help us to restructure our visions and set our sights on more valued goals. Most couples spend very little time forming their goals and visions as a couple and therefore find it difficult to work together towards a unified vision.
15. Grow apart. (Grow individually, and as a couple.) Yes, dream, grow, and fly. When you are happier and fulfilled as an individual, you will be as a couple. When growth is stunted, it is usually due to fear, jealousy and self-doubt. A life full of fear and anger is a long-life indeed. Consider it a gift to yourself and your lover to grow into the best you!
~Wendy Pegan, Relationship Builder